10. Random Hearts - Sydney Pollack
Sydney Pollack is usually the king of political and personal intrigue when it comes to his dramas. His films such as 'Tootsie', 'Three Days of the Condor' and 'The Firm' are all classics of their times. But this boring film turned out to be nothing for audiences even with the star power of Harrison Ford and Kristen Scott Thomas. Probably mostly due to the lack of chemistry between the leads, and a somewhat preposterous story of two widowers who discover their deceased spouses were having an affair and in their discovery of this end up falling in love.
9. Intolerable Cruelty - The Coen Brothers
The Coen Bros have a close-to-immaculate record for films. But post 'O’ Brother Where Art Though', and even that wasn’t immediately well received, there was a lull with these strange comedies that didn’t always land on their feet. The one with the least balance was this take on divorce and a gold digging George Clooney. A film with a somewhat similar structure to the also poorly received 'Life Aquatic', where halfway through the tone shift is so drastic it takes you right out of the zone.
8. The Terminal - Steven Spielberg
Spielberg was coming off of the intelligent and fresh change-of-pace 'Catch Me if You Can', and delivered this forced feeling comedy of Tom Hanks as a Russian traveler who gets stuck in an airport. Watching Tom Hanks go through culture shock cuteness as a non-English speaking innocent baby didn’t come off with the usual endearing tone they were hoping for. This film became a mostly forgettable and awkward affair and a rare misfire from Spielberg.
7. G.I. Jane - Ridley Scott
Ridley has a strange roster of classic masterpiece level films, and surprisingly muddled middle ground dramas when you look at 'Blade Runner' next to 'White Squall'. It just makes you go crazy a bit. But this Demi Moore led military drama almost felt close to something of a Michael Bay film. A play-by-numbers story of fighting against the odds and the system for something to prove, just below the standard level of quality Ridley usually revels in.
6. The Cotton Club - Francis Ford Coppola
After Francis hit it big with his 'Godfather' films, and gained some of his art house cred from the two TS Hinton adaptions of 'The Outsiders' and 'Rumble Fish'. He re-teamed with producer Robert Evens to produce this bloated period gangster film. Based on the famous Jazz club in NYC, it was chock full of famous faces with middling and boring results. Too many cooks in the kitchen could have been the issue due to the struggling relationship between Coppola and Evens, but mostly just a flat attempt at an art film as a studio film.
5. Planet of The Apes - Tim Burton
Most of us remember the 'face-palm' feeling walking out of the theater from this one. A very bizarre teaming of the typical fantasy-oriented Burton with an already famous Sci-Fi classic for a remake. It all sounded shaky, especially with the casting of the not-quite-yet-leading-man Mark Wahlberg. It turned out that our fears were correct especially with the very tacked on time travel reveal of a 'Lincoln- Ape' memorial statue.
4. Death Proof - Quentin Tarantino
This second half of the experimental 'GrindHouse' project was expected to be a classic when looked at on paper. Tarantino, car chases, a murderous Kurt Russell in a badass car… all good marks. But what came to fruition was far from the kinetic action pulpy extravaganza we were expecting. What we did see was a slow wordy paced 70’s style drive-in movie, and some car chasing thrown in at the end for good measure. Tarantino has since admitted this to be his poorest effort.
3. Fear and Desire - Stanley Kubrick
The now notoriously bad first film from Kubrick wasn’t even seen until the last few years when the national registry decided to release it on DVD… Some 15 years after Kubrick’s death in 1999. It’s a strange fever dream of a war film, and not surprising that Kubrick wanted to keep it hidden from the general public. Filled with heavy-handed metaphors and confusing pacing and editing, it showed a filmmaker feeling it out all over the screen.
2. Family Plot - Alfred Hitchcock
This unfortunate comedy from the master of suspense didn’t land with the solid feet one would expect from arguably the greatest director of all time. It’s a film with stumbling, not quite funny, not quite drama, mixed toned tale of an overly complicated plot.
1. Pirates - Roman Polanski
Arguably the greatest living director of our time, Roman Polanski tried his hand at the large set piece of high seas with this story of Captain Red, famous pirate kidnapped by the Spanish and in turn steals their ship and the governor’s daughter. An almost laughable swashbuckling adventure absent of Polanski’s usual sardonic wit, and just comes off as flat unfunny or excited studio blah.